The Masseuse

I woke up with a stiff neck and a sore back.  I"m sure you've all been there and you probably had the same thought as me....I'll go to the Masseuse at lunch and take care of it.  My place is very local, costs $1.00 per minute and the second you walk in they call someone up from the basement to take care of you...lol, I'm not even kidding. I'm the only one who speaks English so I usually ask for 61 minutes and I am always the only one laughing....hahah I still think it's funny.  It's like a box of chocolates in that place....you never know what you'll get.  Take today for instance,
As per the norm I go behind the Wizard Of Oz's great curtain, get naked, climb under a large blanket and wait.  Anxious to find out if it will be a good massage or a bad massage. It was bad.  Today, I got a female Chuck Norris. 

It started out with elbows, she just kept digging her elbow into my back...I'm laying there thinking this isn't a massage it's a trip on a Septa bus...use your hands, use your hands.  At some point her elbows must have gotten tired because she tucked her fingers into two tight fists, and with all her weight she started grinding them into my back...I''m laying there thinking - WTF are you kidding me???  I was praying she would stay away from my neck.  No luck, she just started pinching my neck as hard as she could...as lay there I remember saying "ouch, ouch, ouch, stop, stop"  Next thing I know chop, chop, chop all over my body...even my friggen hand.  Who chops hands?? Seriously, why?

Seriously, I knew there would be chopping, there always is, but I wasn't prepared for her to hop up on my back and start massaging me with her thumbs.  I swear she really hopped up on my back and I had a thumb massage.  One minute she was on the ground next minute she was on my back...I don't know how it happened because she was 4'1.  I never heard the dismount either. 

Most of you ladies know what comes next.  The hot stones...and the wet towel wipe down.

I'm laying there more than likely bruised-but it's my back so I can't see it-and she comes after me with hot stones.  It's like she was mentally tormenting me now.  She's clapping them together for about 3-4 minutes - I just want to yell, okay, okay, burn me already and get it over with....and, for a second there I was pretty sure I heard her throw a drop of water on them...just waiting for the steam sizzle off.  Guess when she burns someone she wants to get it right.

Little did I know it wasn't about the stones. And what happened to me for the last 40 minutes was just foreplay to Chuck.  She rips the blanket off of me like there's some sort of emerg ency then she just takes the stones and violently goes from my neck to the bottom of my ass.  For 5 minutes my body was propelling all over the place.  Did she not notice?  I was seriously doing a naked military crawl to get back on the table with each time. I'm not kidding when I say every 30 seconds I had to throw my right arm up to grab some of the sheet up top in front of me while at the same time bending my left knee up to the side to push off the table.  Then the wet cloth.  I guess she missed the whole point.  That would be to wipe the oil off that she threw all over me.  Instead, she sees some dirt on the bottom of my foot (Schuylkill river-thanks) and start scrubbing it.  After 1 minute of scrubbing the same spot she stopped...guess she got it.

It was like a nightmare/   She put the blanket back on me (not sure why - my naked ass was in the air for the last 10 minutes).  Patted me down gently and left the room.  I took a second to compose myself because I'm pretty sure at some point I was unconscious.  I dressed and went out front where she handed me a small cup of water.  I just wanted to say - Really, I'm going to need a large glass of vodka go get over what happened in there - that or, write to my friends and share. 

My first blog, so happy to be able to share my day with you.

donna